So, today I probably made the biggest decision of my life.
I decided to quit something.
At first, I felt confused. Scared. Worried. Then I felt extremely strong and ready to carry out my decision. But suddenly, fear took over me again, making me feel a little more unsure of my choice. It was like having a constant emotional turmoil, constantly battling out contrasting feelings, trying to make my decision, but also taking as much time as I could so that I knew I wasn’t making a mistake.
Everything was so confusing.
Then fear took over my mind for a long time. It made me extremely unsure of my decision. Of whether I was making a mistake. I felt like maybe when I’ll look back in a few weeks time, I’ll regret making this decision. I’ll hate myself.
I’ll probably feel like the biggest fool who quit something before she even had the opportunity to fully experience it.
But that part of my thought process only lasted for a few moments before being replaced by a stronger sense of being in control. Of knowing what I was doing with my life. There was no going back after this.
So exactly what had happened?
I’d started my PGCE just two months back, fully aware that I was entering into an extremely demanding course for the next 9 months, whilst at the back of my head, knowing that it was just a course for me, it was not what I wanted to do in my future. That’s probably where I made my first mistake. Why I felt that dedicating 9 months of my time to something that I didn’t truly want to do rather than giving my time to something that I was truly passionate about was a good idea is beyond me.
But anyway, there I was, on September 7th 2015, on my first day of the course, surrounded by nervous, excited foreign faces, all initiating a new, eventful journey.
I enjoyed the first few weeks.
Being surrounded by passionate and vibrant people brings out a new sense of belonging in you. You feel like you’re doing something right, even if at the back of your mind, you have a variety of reasons for why you’re doing it completely wrong.
The discussions and lectures felt enticing. They were new and taught me interesting things that I never even noticed about the teaching profession. To start off with, the whole course seemed like a new adventure that I could accomplish. Could.
I don’t know where it all went wrong. Actually, it’ll be incorrect to say that, because I completely knew that I was doing something wrong.
I was spending days and nights focusing on something that I initially didn’t have any passion for. No matter how interesting or fascinating it was.No matter how much it looked like a difficult challenge that I’d want to tackle.
Don’t get me wrong. I always enjoy tackling challenges. But the fact of the matter was that this was a challenge that I shouldn’t really have had to tackle in the first place.
Instead, I should’ve gone to the library with a nice cup of coffee and engulfed myself in some leisure reading. I should’ve spent my time looking up writing courses and tried applying for jobs that actually interested me.
I should’ve done something else.
Anything. Anything but this.
But I didn’t do any of those things. Now that’s what you call an absolutely disoriented person without a set goal who walks around in a circle only to find his own derriere.
Days turned into weeks and I was still two-minds about it. Lectures. Discussions. Trips. Presentations. Placement. Lesson plans. Teaching. Assessment for learning. Differentiation. Parent-teacher talk. Behavior management. Presence. Authority. Assertiveness. Learning objectives.
EVERYTHING WAS GETTING TOO MUCH!
Before I could realize, I was eating and drinking less, spending less time with my family and more time in my room doing nothing productive, losing sleep, developing stress spots and at the brink of a nervous breakdown. Everything was overwhelming. It all became unbearable. And that’s when I made my decision.
I had to leave the course. I had to pursue my real dream.
I now feel in control. I feel like I have the ability to do what a lot of people are fearful from doing.
Following their dreams.
Many of us continue walking paths such as a particular career choice, a specific degree or a type of relationship because we fear the unknown. We don’t really know if the alternatives are pleasant, and so, we continue engaging in the mediocre interactions that our ordinary lives consist of, doing things that don’t make us truly happy.
We don’t think that perhaps, if we quit, things will get better.
We just fear. And fear. Until fear takes over our lives and we continue to live lives that we have no interest in living.
We continue to go to a job that we have no interest in going to. We continue to stay in a relationship that we have no interest in being in. We continue to pursue a degree when we’d do anything to get out.
We just do things halfheartedly, without fully considering the vast possibilities of positive alternatives that might just make us happier, more content, more satisfied.
That’s human nature for you.
Familiarity. Consistency. A sense of security.
All these things guide our day-to-day decisions. They guide our actions of whether to pursue our dreams or not. And I think that’s the main reason why the majority of us are living without ever having really lived. And loving without having ever really loved. We need to understand that life doesn’t end when we quit something that we don’t have a passion for. Be it a job, a course or a relationship.
Life only goes ahead. It moves forward. It changes and with it, you change.
Sure, at first everything is unfamiliar. You feel confused and unsatisfied because you’ve come out of something that seemed so familiar to you, something that was in your comfort zone.
But leaving your comfort zone isn’t the end of the world.
Sometimes it’s good to leave ones comfort zone. Leaving ones comfort zone is essential to get somewhere else. It’s essential to move forward. It’s vital to develop as people. It’s important to if we aren’t happy with what we’re doing. So don’t feel afraid to get out of something because you feel like you’re too far in. Sure, you might be too far in, but it’s never too late to quit. It is never too late to say no. It’s your life, and that’s what we forget a lot of the time. We aren’t made to live for others, we’re made to live for ourselves.
To pursue the things that make us happy. To get out of things that don’t.
And even if at first, we’re a little unsure and scared, it’s absolutely fine. It’s fine to be unsure, that’s what makes the journey exciting and adventurous. That’s what makes life the completely unpredictable, unstable and unanticipated journey that is it.
That’s what life is.